Jordan, ‘10

I lost my best friend this weekend.  And by lost I don’t mean we couldn’t find each other for fifteen minutes.  She died of cancer last Wednesday.  I got the news yesterday.  Relying on friends in times like these can help, especially when I can’t hug my mom and dad, when I can’t go to her funeral, when all I can do is call her parents and give them a pathetic “I’m so sorry.”  Even though I mean it, it still seems like such a small thing to do.

What’s worse is that I hadn’t been in contact with her for the last year and a half.  Unfortunately, she changed her number and I forgot to call back when she sent me a Christmas card with the new one.  I was getting ready to study abroad and I thought that I would get to her in the summer.  But I didn’t.  And though I believe that people go exactly where they believe they’ll go when they die–I know she’s at peace wherever she is so I’m not sad about that–I feel as though I missed so much of her life.  Because I didn’t pick up a telephone.  Because I kept putting it off even when last week I knew I should have called her–I had the strongest feeling that I needed to.  And here her parents were calling everyone they knew hoping they’d be able to find my phone number to call and tell me that their only child had died of lung cancer at 20. 

I know that she was in a relationship with a young man (one I never had the chance to meet) and that she finished her college program in spite of her chemotherapy and radiation–she went through a year of it.  And I wasn’t there.  And I was crying over a broken heart.  And I was self-absorbed.  And I forgot to call.  And I want to know her favorite memory.  And what she dreamed about.  And what new book–song, restaurant–had become her favorite.  And how her goals changed.  And I want to know if she went in her sleep.  If she was surrounded by family.  If she knew I always thought about her.  If she still loved me even though I wasn’t there.  If she knew I would have come if only I had known.  If she knows that I’m sorry.  And I want to know about her cat.  And about the things she thought about near the end. 

Here are a few of my favorite moments from my time with Lori:

1) She loved frogs.  She once had a small albino frog named Elmo that lived in a jar full of water on the bottom of her bookshelf. 

2) On my eighth birthday I had a slumber party where we slept in a tent in the back yard.  In the middle of the night she asked to go home and my mother refused.  So she rolled over on top of me and bit my shoulder.  I couldn’t stop laughing even though it hurt.

3) The first memory I have of her is from preschool.  She hauled off and slapped her mother in the face–just because.  Her mother picked her up by the shoulders, pushed her up against the wall, and told her never to do that again.

…I knew we would be friends forever.

4) She had this guttural battle-cry.  That’s the only way to describe it–a loud, obnoxious yell she sounded when she wanted to warn you that she was about to charge you, or sit on you, or do something crazy. 

5) She used to pee her pants when she wasn’t getting what she wanted.  She did it on purpose and it always meant that my mom had to stock up on underwear every time Lori was scheduled to sleep over. 

So many wonderful memories–even if they’re strange.  Especially because they were strange.  She was so full of energy and life and wackiness (if you’ve ever read “Wacky Wednesday” by Dr. Seuss–she’s always the one I saw when I read it).  Her dark brown hair and freckles and bright blue eyes.

Twenty years doesn’t seem long enough.

 

Quotes of the week:

“If you were with me tonight,

I’d sing for you just one more time

A song for a heart so big

god wouldn’t let it live.”

-”Here You Me” - Jimmy Eat World

-

“She would never say where she came from
Yesterday don’t matter if it’s gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes

Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…

Don’t question why she needs to be so free
Shell tell you it’s the only way to be
She just can’t be chained
To a life where nothing’s gained
And nothing’s lost
At such a cost.

Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…

There’s no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Ain’t life unkind?

Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…”

- “Ruby Tuesday” by the Rolling Stones/Franco Battiato